Fox has scheduled its love-it-or-hate-it hit Glee in the time slot immediately following the Super Bowl. This means millions of drunk straight guys will watch the beginning and think, "What the hell?" We're here to fill you in.
Glee has become a huge hit with a mostly teenage, homosexual, and female audience because it's one part camp, one part humor, one part soap opera, and a million parts jazz hands. It chronicles the misadventures of New Directions, the Glee Club at McKinley High in Lima, Ohio. No one in school likes the kids on Glee because they are dorky outcasts who would rather spend their days singing auto-tuned versions of pop songs than partying in the woods and having premarital sex like "real" teenagers. They bully them primarily by throwing slushies in their faces. We're not sure why, it just is. Despite all this, we still love them.
Don't worry, though, there is plenty here for the heterosexual man to enjoy. Namely, girls, and considering most of the hot ladies wear cheerleader uniforms all the time, you'll be really into it. So let's look at the very comely female cast, shall we?
Rachel (Lea Michele)
What You Need to Know: The high-strung, obnoxious, and narcissistic diva of the bunch. Rachel was into Glee Club before it was cool but now that all these other girls are involved she is forced to take a back seat and is too insecure to enjoy it. Rachel is pretty much every awful ex-girlfriend you ever had, except she looks and sounds like Barbra Streisand.
Dating: Just broke up with Finn
Quinn (Diana Agron)
What You Need to Know: She is the head cheerleader and former president of the Chastity Club. But don't let it fool you, she's not a virgin. Puck knocked her up last season while she was dating Finn, but she gave the baby up for adoption. But now she's back on her abstinence kick, even though she's dating a new guy. Sorry, boys.
Dating: Sam
Brittany (Heather Morris)
What You Need to Know: This is a girl you really want to pay attention to. Not only is Brittany hilarious, she's also dumb, loose, and can do insane things with her body. Her best friend is Santana, and they have been known to get down and dirty if there aren't any boys around. Yup, she's bisexual too!
Dating: Artie
Santana (Naya Rivera)
What You Need to Know: Like her best friend Brittany, Santana gets around. However, she's not half as stupid and twice as bitchy. Santana is one to watch out for, but if you can stay on her good side, you'll get to play with her pom-poms.
Dating: She's single!
Tina (Jenna Uskowitz)
What You Need to Know: She's the goth chick who used to stutter. Tina doesn't get a lot of screen time, so we don't know a ton about her, but she wears far too much clothing. After dumping Artie, she's only dating other Asians.
Dating: Mike Chang
Mercedes (Amber Riley)
What You Need to Know: McKinley's biggest fag hag and one of the few black students, Mercedes never gets much of a story of her own. But boy can she sing!
Dating: No one.
Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch)
What You Need to Know: The show's villain and the coach of the school's nationally-recognized chearleading team, The Cheerios. She is an evil, acid-tongued crazy person and the embodiment of evil who will stop at nothing to destroy the Glee Club and her rival, Will Schuester. She's also the best character on the whole show. You'll love her. She is deceptively not a lesbian.
Dating: Not a woman.
Emma (Jayma Mays)
What You Need to Know: The school's hot guidance counselor and Will's object of affection. She just recently lost her virginity and has an OCD cleanliness problem. Yes, boys, she's damaged goods. Look, but don't touch.
Dating: John Stamos
Now that you know about the ladies, here are the gentlemen, who you probably don't care much about.
Will aka Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison)
What You Need to Know: Director of Glee Club. Major loser.
Dating: His hand.
Finn (Corey Montieth)
What You Need to Know: Football quarterback. Chump.
Dating: Just broke up with Rachel
Kurt (Chris Colfer)
What You Need to Know: Gay. Bullied.
Dating: His unrequited crushes
Puck (Mark Salling)
What You Need to Know: Resident bad boy.
Dating: Pining after Quinn
Artie (Kevin McHale)
What You Need to Know: The picture says it all.
Dating: Brittany
Mike Chang (Harry Shum Jr)
What You Need to Know: Asian. Has abs.
Dating: Tina
Sam (Chord Overstreet)
What You Need to Know: The new guy. Nerd with guitar.
Dating: Quinn
Blaine (Darren Criss)
What You Need to Know: Other new guy. Gay nerd with guitar.
Dating: No one
So, that's pretty much all you need to know. There will be a bunch of cover songs of tunes you both know and don't (including a mashup of "Thriller" and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Heads Will Roll" and songs from Black Eyed Peas, Lady Antebellum, and Destiny's Child). As the second season has progressed the story has become increasingly irrelevant. Don't try to think about it too much, just bop your head along and enjoy the scenery.
Also, Gwyneth Paltrow, as sexy substitute teacher Holly Holiday, will return and Katie Couric will make a cameo. The opening number is Katy Perry's "California Girls" and its full of girls in cheerleader uniforms and BMX biking tricks. Yes, they're pandering to you. You can watch it already, if you really want. Or tune in for the first five minutes and get an eyeful before you pass out in a puddle of spilled bear and Dorito crumbs. That's probably what you would have done anyway.
Send an email to Brian Moylan, the author of this post, at brian@gawker.com.
Source: http://defamer.gawker.com/5746145/a-glee--guide-for-straight-guys
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